Monday, 24 November 2008
Temporarily Forgetting Yourself
- by Beanz
This morning I was innocently lying on my bed and TJam was making a call to the bank, on behalf of a (hitherto) reputable organisation. TJam got her diary to check something and put it on the windowsill.
Chips thought she heard a noise outside and forgot temporarily that she is not allowed to jump on the windowsill. Such activity is forbidden since Chips jumped clean through the window in 2002 and the police had to ring TJam at work for her to come and get her dogs off the main road.
Anyway, the automated person on the phone announced that the call would be recorded when TJam (also temporarily) forgot herself and shouted, "Get of my F***ing diary you stupid dog" as Chips put her muddy paw all over Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday and ripped the page right out and skidded it up the ledge.
The call wasn't taken for another 90 seconds, so we are hoping the recording also didn't start until 90 seconds after the incident. If she heard anything, the operator didn't let on. TJam got stuff sorted with the bank.
TJam did take a comedy photo of the diary for evidence, but it had confidential information on it so I can't post it. I will leave it to your imagination.
PS I am not pointing the finger at others in this post because I have done so so very wrong that I am creating a diversion.
PPS Besides which, we have not told the person concerned about what I did so we can't publish it til we have sorted it out face to face with the wronged party.
PPPS Yes, this does mean that we might owe YOU an apology. If TJam phones you in the next few days, you should probably worry.
This morning I was innocently lying on my bed and TJam was making a call to the bank, on behalf of a (hitherto) reputable organisation. TJam got her diary to check something and put it on the windowsill.
Chips thought she heard a noise outside and forgot temporarily that she is not allowed to jump on the windowsill. Such activity is forbidden since Chips jumped clean through the window in 2002 and the police had to ring TJam at work for her to come and get her dogs off the main road.
Anyway, the automated person on the phone announced that the call would be recorded when TJam (also temporarily) forgot herself and shouted, "Get of my F***ing diary you stupid dog" as Chips put her muddy paw all over Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday and ripped the page right out and skidded it up the ledge.
The call wasn't taken for another 90 seconds, so we are hoping the recording also didn't start until 90 seconds after the incident. If she heard anything, the operator didn't let on. TJam got stuff sorted with the bank.
TJam did take a comedy photo of the diary for evidence, but it had confidential information on it so I can't post it. I will leave it to your imagination.
PS I am not pointing the finger at others in this post because I have done so so very wrong that I am creating a diversion.
PPS Besides which, we have not told the person concerned about what I did so we can't publish it til we have sorted it out face to face with the wronged party.
PPPS Yes, this does mean that we might owe YOU an apology. If TJam phones you in the next few days, you should probably worry.
Labels: Beanz 2008, chips 2008, creating a diversion 2008, mishaps 2008
Saturday, 8 November 2008
Caught Short
- by Chips
PS, there was no laptop in the bag at the time and even if their had been, there would have been no damage done as the bag is fully waterproof. We have the proof and utterly endorse this make of bag.
If you are ever caught short in the night, might I suggest that an excellent place to wee is on top of your human's laptop bag? Especially if that laptop bag belongs to work.
Of course, you should only try this if you have excellent balance and aim.
It goes down especially well if your human has left out a towel for you to wee on but you leave that towel bone dry.
PS, there was no laptop in the bag at the time and even if their had been, there would have been no damage done as the bag is fully waterproof. We have the proof and utterly endorse this make of bag.Labels: chips 2008, mishaps 2008
Tuesday, 21 October 2008
TJam's Bad Hair Day
- by Chips
Oh dear. Perhaps TJam should have put her "cheer you up in the morning lamp" to warp 21 this morning.
I know I didn't make it any better but I just couldn't resist going through the bins at the rugby club. Neither could Beanz. She performed a perfect version of her famous "Stand-until-TJam-turns-a-corner-then-run-for-it" move. It's all in the critical distance. Tjam was only saying the other day that she fancied trying CaniX, so I don't know why she was so furious.
And what other choice did we have when we got back from our walk but to shake? If TJam had only left the clean washing in the machine for a week til it went mouldy like she usually does, this would never have happened:
It's not that TJam is anal or annoyed or anything, but she had to go for a 2nd close up, just in case you were in any doubt:
Once it's on the bed she'll never notice.Labels: bad hair day 2008, Beanz 2008, chips 2008, mishaps 2008
Monday, 13 October 2008
Job Done
- by Carlsberg
Today I jumped on the keyboard and stood for a long time on the delete button so the whole of TJam's inbox was wiped out.
Then I pretended I didn't know what was going on and acted indignant when TJam pushed me off the keys.
That should keep her busy for a while.
Today I jumped on the keyboard and stood for a long time on the delete button so the whole of TJam's inbox was wiped out.
Then I pretended I didn't know what was going on and acted indignant when TJam pushed me off the keys.
That should keep her busy for a while.
Labels: carlsberg 2008, mishaps 2008
Saturday, 11 October 2008
Sesame Street
- by TJam
This post is brought to you by the letters W H A T T H E B L O O M I N G H E C K I S G O I N G O and N, and by the number 7.
7 possible titles for this post from TJam's point of view:
1. Bad things happen in 3s
2. Too ashamed to tell you what I did
3. Chocolate
4. I don't know how I'm going to make the last couple of days sound funny
5. Beanz and the Lamb Shank
6. Sorry I was late (I was cleaning up dog sick)
7. You know you're going to be mentioned on this blog when TJam asks you what you want your spy name to be
7 possible titles for this post from Chips's point of view:
1. Mmmm chocolate
2. Mmmm activated charcoal
3. Why did you leave out so little?
4. All's well that ends well
5. Grrr I can't believe Beanz got to the lamb shank first
6. Sorry about the sick in the cupboard under the stairs
7. I'm fine. Will you stop looking at me?
7 possible titles for this post from Beanz's point of view:
1. I must remember to jump up on the kitchen counter in the middle of the night
2. My Lamb Shank
3. My sprint across the field
4. Foiled by the 2 human pincer move expertly executed by TJam and B1B2 (that's her spy name)
5. How to remember where things are and go back to look for them
6. Please don't buy a remote spray collar
7. Well, if you ever think that you have got things under control, of course a dog will have to put you in your place
Possible photos to illustrate this post:
Remember this?
When I downloaded my photos, I found this one of the sky 2 weeks ago. See
how blue it was that one day.
Lucky we had a meat eating frient with us to identify the booty.
This post is brought to you by the letters W H A T T H E B L O O M I N G H E C K I S G O I N G O and N, and by the number 7.
7 possible titles for this post from TJam's point of view:
1. Bad things happen in 3s
2. Too ashamed to tell you what I did
3. Chocolate
4. I don't know how I'm going to make the last couple of days sound funny
5. Beanz and the Lamb Shank
6. Sorry I was late (I was cleaning up dog sick)
7. You know you're going to be mentioned on this blog when TJam asks you what you want your spy name to be
7 possible titles for this post from Chips's point of view:
1. Mmmm chocolate
2. Mmmm activated charcoal
3. Why did you leave out so little?
4. All's well that ends well
5. Grrr I can't believe Beanz got to the lamb shank first
6. Sorry about the sick in the cupboard under the stairs
7. I'm fine. Will you stop looking at me?
7 possible titles for this post from Beanz's point of view:
1. I must remember to jump up on the kitchen counter in the middle of the night
2. My Lamb Shank
3. My sprint across the field
4. Foiled by the 2 human pincer move expertly executed by TJam and B1B2 (that's her spy name)
5. How to remember where things are and go back to look for them
6. Please don't buy a remote spray collar
7. Well, if you ever think that you have got things under control, of course a dog will have to put you in your place
Possible photos to illustrate this post:
Remember this?Ah yes, activated charcoal.
Hello old friend.
When I downloaded my photos, I found this one of the sky 2 weeks ago. Seehow blue it was that one day.
Lucky we had a meat eating frient with us to identify the booty.
See, we can leave it if we have to. Wait... why are you putting that in the bin?
WAIIIIITTTTTT!
PS Good luck B2
Labels: Beanz 2008, chips 2008, eaten 2008, mishaps 2008, sick 2008, tjam 2008
Sunday, 10 August 2008
Punishment or consequence?
- by Chips
TJam is always trying to get her head round the difference between consequence and punishment.
Consequence is what happens because I do something naughty.
Punishment is when something bad happens because I did something naughty.
Anyway, today I forgot myself and barked at another dog in the street. I was eyeballing the dog for maximum pleasure and watched it as it walked behind me.
TJam did NOT tell me there was a lamppost coming up.
I leave the rest to your imagination. Dignity was not involved.
BLAM
I was stunned. I forgot about the dog. I carried on walking.
TJam chuckled in a You've Been Framed kind of way and said, "Serves you right!" in a not very nice kind of way.
So the next time I saw a dog, know what I did? I barked right at it. I resolve only to respond to positive reinforcement from now on.
TJam is always trying to get her head round the difference between consequence and punishment.
Consequence is what happens because I do something naughty.
Punishment is when something bad happens because I did something naughty.
Anyway, today I forgot myself and barked at another dog in the street. I was eyeballing the dog for maximum pleasure and watched it as it walked behind me.
TJam did NOT tell me there was a lamppost coming up.
I leave the rest to your imagination. Dignity was not involved.
BLAM
I was stunned. I forgot about the dog. I carried on walking.
TJam chuckled in a You've Been Framed kind of way and said, "Serves you right!" in a not very nice kind of way.
So the next time I saw a dog, know what I did? I barked right at it. I resolve only to respond to positive reinforcement from now on.
Labels: chips 2008, lampost 2008, mishaps 2008
Tuesday, 5 August 2008
Cut to the Quick
- by Beanz
And no, I am not talking about me being offended by people pointing out my grey silvery bits on my chest and chin.
I mean that TJam was clipping my claws and she actually did cut my quick. I made sure there was plenty of blood so she would feel suitably ashamed. It hurt a bit at the time, but I was well enough to eat a chew and let her clip my other claws.
Here I am, milking my audience.
Chips tried to get in on the act with her, "I'm so cute, look at me lifting my injured paw" routine.
But surely no one is going to fall for that.
Chips tried to get in on the act with her, "I'm so cute, look at me lifting my injured paw" routine.
But surely no one is going to fall for that.Labels: Beanz 2008, mishaps 2008, paws 2008
Tuesday, 15 July 2008
Great Start
Friday, 16 May 2008
Muscles
- by Chips
When we were out walking a couple of weeks ago, we came across this rope/stick swing (the blue thing to the right of the picture, hanging over a steep drop).
When we were out walking a couple of weeks ago, we came across this rope/stick swing (the blue thing to the right of the picture, hanging over a steep drop). When she thought I wasn't looking (I was inspecting some ex-picnic rubbish) and when she had checked no one else was looking, TJam grabbed hold of it and launched herself into a full swing.
At the height of her trajectory TJam realised that children and adolescents must have some kind of inbuilt muscle strength that they are unaware of. She, on the other hand, was feeling a pull in muscles she didn't even know she had, let alone know she wasn't using any more.
She swung back to the side but the swing was child height so the floor was level with her waist.
It wasn't graceful.
She limpedwalked off whistling innocently (but arms hanging limply) and I did the decent thing and pretended I hadn't seen anything at all.
Humans: don't bother trying to recreate your adolescence unless you have consulted with your GP and undergone serious personal training.
Labels: chips 2008, mishaps 2008, swing 2008
Sunday, 6 April 2008
Heeling (most of the time)
- by Beanz
Oh, apart from when we went past this field. 
As TJ admired the scenery and took a photo (those are ponies in the field), I jumped the 2 foot wall which was a 6 foot drop on the other side. Knew my agility training would come in handy. Chips followed behind me, but TJ couldn't get in because of the barbed wire. So she went round the perimeter fence to find a way in where she would be able to get out again. Well, she got in ok but when she tried to lift Chips out she got stuck. Don't worry, she only got a small stab in the hand off the fence and her tenanus is up to date. In the end she had to give us a leg up over a wall and into the farmer's garden, then make a jump for it herself and run out via the farmer's drive. I don't think putting her hand over her face was much of a disguise but it was the best she could think of and hopefully nobody saw us.
Today I have been mostly walking to heel and not getting lost.
Oh, apart from when we went past this field. As TJ admired the scenery and took a photo (those are ponies in the field), I jumped the 2 foot wall which was a 6 foot drop on the other side. Knew my agility training would come in handy. Chips followed behind me, but TJ couldn't get in because of the barbed wire. So she went round the perimeter fence to find a way in where she would be able to get out again. Well, she got in ok but when she tried to lift Chips out she got stuck. Don't worry, she only got a small stab in the hand off the fence and her tenanus is up to date. In the end she had to give us a leg up over a wall and into the farmer's garden, then make a jump for it herself and run out via the farmer's drive. I don't think putting her hand over her face was much of a disguise but it was the best she could think of and hopefully nobody saw us. Then I went back to heel and stayed there all day.
Labels: Beanz 2008, mishaps 2008
Friday, 4 April 2008
Note to Self
- by Beanz
The day started well. TJam got an email from Dogs Today to say she had won the photo caption competition, and the best thing? (apart from the fame and fortune obviously) is that the prize is a dog bed! Now, since the old beanbag went a bit smelly, TJam resurrected Jump's old beanbag inner, which was great for a staffie/jack russelly thing, but not so enormous for a collie cross. I don't mind that I am sleeping in a dead dog's bed but I do kind of hang over the edge. TJ has been looking for beds so this is really a blessing.
This evening, I got properly lost. Like 10 real minutes, TJ-feeling-cold-and-sick lost. Not nipping-into-the-bushes-for-a-sneaky-scavenge lost. I was a bit nervous of a man with his 3 dogs. Next thing, I just got freaked out and started running and running. Next thing, I couldn't find Chips and TJ anywhere! I was running around and around. I could hear them calling but I was so freaked out I couldn't use my ears or super-scenting nose. TJam was looking for me and Chips used the opportunity to sniff out and eat a chicken or cooked lamb or something (TJ couldn't see what it was but Chips is feeling rough now and looking like a barrel - serves her right TJam says).
I found this this evening:
The day started well. TJam got an email from Dogs Today to say she had won the photo caption competition, and the best thing? (apart from the fame and fortune obviously) is that the prize is a dog bed! Now, since the old beanbag went a bit smelly, TJam resurrected Jump's old beanbag inner, which was great for a staffie/jack russelly thing, but not so enormous for a collie cross. I don't mind that I am sleeping in a dead dog's bed but I do kind of hang over the edge. TJ has been looking for beds so this is really a blessing.
This evening, I got properly lost. Like 10 real minutes, TJ-feeling-cold-and-sick lost. Not nipping-into-the-bushes-for-a-sneaky-scavenge lost. I was a bit nervous of a man with his 3 dogs. Next thing, I just got freaked out and started running and running. Next thing, I couldn't find Chips and TJ anywhere! I was running around and around. I could hear them calling but I was so freaked out I couldn't use my ears or super-scenting nose. TJam was looking for me and Chips used the opportunity to sniff out and eat a chicken or cooked lamb or something (TJ couldn't see what it was but Chips is feeling rough now and looking like a barrel - serves her right TJam says).So eventually the man caught me and put me on his lead and ran back to where he could hear TJ calling. I was so relieved to see everyone I just sat and looked at them and looked at them some more.
With all TJ reads on Doglost and all the posters she puts up for other dogs and the 3 that have been stolen round here recently, TJ didn't know if she would get me back. I am nice and friendly after all. So the moral of the story is that there are really nice and kind people in the world. People that will run themselves out of breath for a dog and then won't give their address so you can give them some beer to say thank you.
Now the fire is lit. I am laying on my tiny beanbag and all is well.
And not boring.
Labels: Beanz 2008, lost 2008, mishaps 2008, winner 2008
Monday, 31 March 2008
Dog Sick
- by Chips
The clue to this post's topic is in the title. There are no photos. The feint of heart and emetophobes turn back now. Dog owners continue. You are bound to be used to this kind of talk.
Personally, I prefer to vomit in a corner or at the very least up next to a wall. Beanz is much more indiscriminate. I don't like to do the deed on anything. I prefer bare floor.
You can add more after-vom entertainment by puking behind a door (lots of screaming, especially if it is behind the front door and your owner has just taken their shoes off, plus lots of huffing, puffing and swearing as your human has to clean under the door). Other recommended places are: next to ceiling to floor curtains (high absorbancy) and on windowsill (high late discovery factor, so the opportunity to return and admire your scene of crime before it is cleared away).
So, this morning, I had used all my favourite spots, and because I have been feeling a little bit poorly sick and I'd tried to manage some breakfast, I felt the urge come over me as I was saying goodbye to TJam as she left for work.
I made that "got to get it up" squelchy noise and TJ tried to get a towel between the corner of the windowsill and her work bag. Obviously, I will not be sick on something so I jumped onto the dog crate and then, my piece de resistance, I threw up WHILE I WAS JUMPING OFF THE CRATE! It was spectacular. TJam watched in awe and gave me 10/10 for artistic interpretation.
A little bit went on TJam's brother's Christmas present but she wiped it off and we don't think he will notice.
I am feeling much better now but I am starving and I was only allowed a spoonful of food. I will sit and watch TJ all evening until she feels guilty and gives me a bit more.
The clue to this post's topic is in the title. There are no photos. The feint of heart and emetophobes turn back now. Dog owners continue. You are bound to be used to this kind of talk.
Personally, I prefer to vomit in a corner or at the very least up next to a wall. Beanz is much more indiscriminate. I don't like to do the deed on anything. I prefer bare floor.
You can add more after-vom entertainment by puking behind a door (lots of screaming, especially if it is behind the front door and your owner has just taken their shoes off, plus lots of huffing, puffing and swearing as your human has to clean under the door). Other recommended places are: next to ceiling to floor curtains (high absorbancy) and on windowsill (high late discovery factor, so the opportunity to return and admire your scene of crime before it is cleared away).
So, this morning, I had used all my favourite spots, and because I have been feeling a little bit poorly sick and I'd tried to manage some breakfast, I felt the urge come over me as I was saying goodbye to TJam as she left for work.
I made that "got to get it up" squelchy noise and TJ tried to get a towel between the corner of the windowsill and her work bag. Obviously, I will not be sick on something so I jumped onto the dog crate and then, my piece de resistance, I threw up WHILE I WAS JUMPING OFF THE CRATE! It was spectacular. TJam watched in awe and gave me 10/10 for artistic interpretation.
A little bit went on TJam's brother's Christmas present but she wiped it off and we don't think he will notice.
I am feeling much better now but I am starving and I was only allowed a spoonful of food. I will sit and watch TJ all evening until she feels guilty and gives me a bit more.
Labels: chips 2008, mishaps 2008
Friday, 21 March 2008
Brrrrrrr
- by Chips
As luck would have it, TJ saw some great wellies in the gadget shop for a bargain price of £5. She got 2 pairs, some denim-look and some red tartan. She mustn't show the red tartan ones to her dad or she will never live it down. The hunt goes on for some plain, comfortable, durable wellies with a good grip. If you know of any, leave a comment.
Anyway, TJ was so excited about the find that she took a photo. (Humour her).
Then we set off for our walk. It was beautiful. I went off scavenging and rolling, and the next thing I knew, I was in the canal! It wasn't solid, it was rubbish with water underneath! When TJ looked back, she could see my very worried face and my two paws on the side.
I'm sure the smirk was a smirk of concern. She was going to take a photo of me in the water before she rescued me, but a horse-rider and a cyclist were passing by and she didn't want them to think she was cruel. So she hauled me out (that is what neck scruffs are perfect for) made me pose, soaking wet, shocked and not a little bit cold. It looks like a 1970s picture but that's due to camera shake. TJ was not laughing. It was guffaws of concern for my well-being.
Brrrrrr
As luck would have it, TJ saw some great wellies in the gadget shop for a bargain price of £5. She got 2 pairs, some denim-look and some red tartan. She mustn't show the red tartan ones to her dad or she will never live it down. The hunt goes on for some plain, comfortable, durable wellies with a good grip. If you know of any, leave a comment.
Anyway, TJ was so excited about the find that she took a photo. (Humour her).
Then we set off for our walk. It was beautiful. I went off scavenging and rolling, and the next thing I knew, I was in the canal! It wasn't solid, it was rubbish with water underneath! When TJ looked back, she could see my very worried face and my two paws on the side.I'm sure the smirk was a smirk of concern. She was going to take a photo of me in the water before she rescued me, but a horse-rider and a cyclist were passing by and she didn't want them to think she was cruel. So she hauled me out (that is what neck scruffs are perfect for) made me pose, soaking wet, shocked and not a little bit cold. It looks like a 1970s picture but that's due to camera shake. TJ was not laughing. It was guffaws of concern for my well-being.
BrrrrrrLabels: canal 2008, chips 2008, mishaps 2008
